{reviving ophelia - chp 1: something lost}

Oh for the love of blogging instead of writing a paper for Christian Ethics which is due in the morning. :D

I have had many thoughts to write on lately but no time to do so.  So instead of waiting any longer everything else is getting pushed aside. (I'm gonna hate myself at 6:20 am when I awake for morning workouts...)

I will focus on one thought though tonight.  After sharing with one of my wonderful professors about how I would like to minister to young women he encouraged me to read the book Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher.  In her book she goes through several cases that focus in on certain scenarios women face.

I began reading it awhile ago and soon found that this is not the type of book you can just read little bits of here and there.  In the preface alone I was going highlighter happy.

It is loaded with all kinds of depth and inspiration.  I have decided to go back and start from the beginning, journaling my thoughts and observations along the way.  Should you like to join me in this journey, go grab the book and read along. (You will benefit much more than from my meager thoughts.)

Mary Pipher is a Psychologist who has done family therapy for several years and long story short she began to notice something in the women, be they young or old, who would enter her office.  What she noticed was that something was lacking.  Like they were a flower that was never quite allowed to bloom.

Something I noted that she said in the preface is that, "Particularly junior high seemed like a crucible.  Many confident, well-adjusted girls were transformed into sad and angry failures". 

Later in chapter 1 she expounds on this further.  She points out two distinct contrasts:

Preadolescent: Most preadolescent girls are marvelous company because they are interested in everything--sports, nature, people, music and books...They can take care of themselves and are not yet burdened with caring for others.  They have a brief respite from the female role and can be tomboys, a word that conveys courage, competency, and irreverence. They can be androgynous, having the ability to act adaptively in any situation regardless of gender role constraints.  An androgynous person can comfort a baby or change a tire, cook a meal or chair a meeting...androgynous adults are the most well adjusted.

Adolescent: Something dramatic happens to girls in early adolescence...They crash and burn in a social and developmental Bermuda Triangle...They lose their resiliency and optimism and become less curious and inclined to take risks.  They lose their assertive, energetic and "tomboyish" personalities and become more deferential, self-critical and depressed.  They report great unhappiness with their own bodies

What a drastic difference between those descriptions.  She points out that there is something that happens during adolescence.  Something is lost.

What's interesting though is that girls know that they are losing themselves.  One said, "Everything good in me died in junior high."

Why is this?  Mary Pipher shows the common theme of young girls lives in her summary of the story of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet. 

As a girl, Ophelia is happy and free, but with adolescence she loses herself.  When she falls in love with Hamlet, she lives only for his approval.  She has no inner direction; rather she struggles to meet the demands of Hamlet and her father.  Her value is determined utterly by their approval.  Ophelia is torn apart by her efforts to please.  When Hamlet spurns her because she is an obedient daughter, she goes mad with grief.  Dressed in elegant clothes that weigh her down, she drowns in a stream filled with flowers. 

As girls enter adolescence they are told in several direct and indirect ways that they must change who they are and become an entirely new person.  Often times these messages come from sources that are not very helpful or trustworthy and yet we as women listen to them because we have been convinced at some point in time that they are worth our time.

As Ophelia began to lose herself she searched for soemone to tell her who she was to be.  Because of the pressure to change she finds herself listening more to others than herself.  Her life becomes this constant juggling competition where she is trying to show favor to each juggle.  Soon she starts to find that she is paying too much attention to one ball and doesn't even notice that the others are falling until they have already hit the ground...

Is this not the reality that so many of us have faced at some point in our lives? 

I am reminded of a quote I saw recently from Bill Cosby.  He said, "I do not know the key to success, but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody".

Is this not what we often do?  We allow ourselves to make decisions based on how others will view them.  Why are we giving so much weight to people who have shown no evidence to deserve it?  This is a cycle I hope to see changed even if only in one woman.

As I read on in this book I hope to learn more about what can be done to help us learn what the warning signs are and how we can encourage other women to seek out their own voice.

Please do not be alarmed and think, "Oh goodness, this is just a subtle cry for feminism".  No, that is not my purpose at all.

I merely know that more and more women are struggling to find their voice or feel the confidence to use it.  I am heartbroken at the lack of confidence I see in girls and their constant, desparate search for someone to give it to them even though its been within them all along.

I hope you join me on this journey and share your thoughts so that we may all benefit.

{By the way, sorry for all the quotes but I felt that Mary Pipher could say it better}